We can cite many examples of couples who think that life after divorce will be happier, easier and more eventful; however, they realize little late how wrong they were!!!
The marriage is a union of two persons and if one goes wrong, other must be there to correct him or her. However, it has been seen that instead of utilizing the relationship and togetherness in a better way, they tend to blame the other person for the wrong and hence mess their lives.
Divorce is not a solution to these problems as people find it the easiest way to walk away rather than dealing with problems. Also, marriage cannot work if only one person is compromising and stepping ahead for resolving the issues. Both the spouses must work toward saving their marriage and making their lives happier than ever before.
In this article, we have tried to point out some areas of concerns and how to resolve the confrontations between the two of them. We hope that we will contribute a little in bringing about a change in your lives.
What you don’t know about Divorce
Marriage is considered to be more of a contract these days and people find it easier to walk out of marriage if they think it is not working the way it should. No one is ready for making efforts so that they can make this union more meaningful.
Various couples just do not want to be with each other and hence call their lawyers to arrange for divorce proceedings. They do not want to think about the life after divorce. When it comes to getting divorce, no judge and lawyer can help you. What they can do is, get you the divorce.
Legally speaking, this is the contract between two persons which can be broken by anyone at any point of time without giving any major reasons. Especially in America where it is much easier to get a divorce like, doing business in Russia.
Convincingly, divorce is the worst thing that can happen to anybody, you will constantly be a victim of emotional traumas, social cut-offs and loneliness. People do not realize the fact that how difficult it will be for them to survive without the company of their spouse. No one will be there to support them in times of need.
Where divorce can take your life away, it can also mean that you are inviting more problems for you. You have to meet the requirements yourself such as work, your home and sometimes kids. There won’t be anyone who can help you out.
It has been observed that society also has different ways of looking at divorced people. The spouses who are separated or divorced are always targets for outside world. In social gatherings also, they are thrown remarks and comments and this is the reason why they start staying away from social meetings and ceremonies.
The bitter side of the divorce is your own loneliness. For how long, you will spend night outs at pubs, discotheques and at your best friend’s place? One day, you will have to return to your own place and then you will realize that you are looking for someone waiting for you at home.
It will be difficult for you to deal with your own isolation. Friends, relatives and your parents are going to stay for shorter span of time. You will definitely need someone who can be there forever to share beautiful moments and memories. Then, you might regret for what you have done.
How much a divorce can cost you?
Apart from emotional losses, we must be aware of the fact that divorce can affect financial status of an individual and the nation. Wives are given rights to get compensation from husbands if the marriage does not work out. However, it has been seen that government has to support them and give them money so that they are able to raise their kids.
This is a complete damage to the financial status of spouse and they are unable to overcome this situation. This is because of the fact that law has instructed them to support their wives even if they are not staying together.
Following facts have been shown by the studies:-
- In United States, the divorce can cost up to $33 billion in a year and $312 per household which is quite a huge figure. So, by avoiding divorce, you can see yourself how much we can save.
- As a result of divorce, the costs to American state and federal governments reach up to $30,000 including direct costs and indirect costs. The direct costs are considered to be the costs including Medicaid payments, child support and temporary assistance to needy family fund, TANF, public housing assistance and food stamps.
- For the affected couple, the divorce can cost $18,000 approximately which is as a result of less productivity at work, relocation costs and legal charges. These costs may vary depending upon the nature of divorce and the situation of couple.
So, we can conclude that breaking your house can be a permanent damage to your financial situations and you will not be able to overcome the problems so easily.
On the other hand, staying together will be constructive and the money which goes into paying the fees of lawyers and relocating to other places can be used somewhere else where you can get heavy returns and your financial conditions can improve. This is the reason why it is recommended to avoid divorce and stay with your family happily.
Both the spouses can support each other financially. Hence you will never go through the hardships to overcome your financial instabilities. The partners together can work out and get over with the problems easily.
So, if you want to grow your finances and want to stabilize your financial conditions, you must go ahead and ask your partner to stay with you and find out the solutions to all the conflicts you may have between both of you.
Divorce and your emotional challenges
People think that after getting divorce, they will get rid of the other person, family obligations and other responsibilities which can make them happier and they will be able to enjoy their freedom. Psychologists have revealed the fact that such people only think from the prospective of running away from problems and situations because they are just unable to handle them.
You look for a person who you can be with for the rest of your life. He or she must be able to stand for you in any situation; however, with the passage of time, you start realizing that the person is not good enough and all you want is to get rid of him or her.
However, studies have shown the facts that divorce can cost a person emotionally also. Institute of American Values has come up with the report that divorced couples and stayed married couples were rated on 12 different parameters. It had been observed that the divorced couples were not happier after five years of divorce whereas stayed married couples have better psychological well being.
The unhappiness of divorced couples is because of the following reasons:
- Even after the divorce, the couple stays depressed and it does not go away even with the passage of time. The spouses are not able to raise their self-esteem even after getting the divorce.
- They are not able to mingle with society and their own friends as they used to. Loneliness start to enter their lives slowly and they may get hurt looking at other couples.
- Violence in marriage can also leave permanent scars on the mind and soul of an individual which results in more depression and guilty.
Ms Heins has told that even if the couple wants to settle their divorce with minimum of hassles and complications, the divorce lawyers for both the parties get into the arguments. This results in a never-ending battle.
Couples just end up in courtroom drama and their emotions are limited to winning the other parties. They are discussing their problems with third parties which are up making money out of their problems. The lawyers have nothing to do with the emotions of people fighting for divorce. They are more concerned about their paper work, reputations and the huge money they are going to make.
People must understand the fact that no one can bring them happiness. Only you and your partner can help each other and you will have to believe that having him or her besides you, you will be more satisfied emotionally.
Divorce pain – When it will come to an end
You will have to admit it that you end up getting nothing but a divorce. It takes a life out of you. This is because of the reason that both of you agreed to stay with each other for the rest of your lives, made promises, loved each other and made plans to make life more beautiful.
It does hurt an individual when he or she looks back and memorizes what they had planned earlier and where they are now. The lawyers also admit that the pain of divorce stays for longer time even after they have left the courtrooms. Divorce is definitely painless and there is no remedy to overcome. Many couples may realize it later on after they have gone through it.
Divorce costs time, energy and money. Like investing into any venture, you also invest your time, money, emotions and your mind and soul. Who would like to end up getting nothing?
No one loves to face losses and hardships. We all plan to get good things out of life and marriage. All we need to do is work out on our relationships so that the bond gets stronger with the passage of time and you can have the companionship for years to come.
Divorce- How it can affect your kids
In the University of Missouri, a specialist in human development studied the impact of divorce on kids and also motioned how they are dependent on their parents at different ages:
Infants – It has been observed that they change their sleeping and eating habits frequently when their parents are getting separated.
Toddlers – They are able to realize that one parent is missing from home. So, they start showing their anger, may lose interest in play and skills such as toilet training, go back to thumb-sucking and may get nightmares.
Pre-schoolers – The children belonging to this age group start blaming them for divorce and may not be able to accept the changes in their lives. They may show sadness and grievances because of the absence of one parent.
Pre-teens- The kids may feel that they have been abandoned by one of the parent. This can be one of the reasons for them to withdraw from friends and society. It has been observed that they may start using foul language and adopt bad habits. They even turn out to be cruel and harsh people when they are fully grown-ups.
Few facts about divorce and its issues
- The divorce rate of remarriages is higher than those of first marriages even if the couple is married again.
- Living-together relationships do not demand more commitments and sincerity in the association. This is one of the major reasons for divorced people to associate with such people as they find it easier to terminate the association at any point of time and hence can walk out on the other person whenever they feel like. It becomes rather difficult to stick to one person.
- Many studies have revealed the fact that children, whose parents were unhappy to stay together, become the most affected persons. They become harsh in their adulthood and are often unable to lead a happy married life.
- For every child, his parents can set examples. If the parents are committed and stay together for long time; the child will develop the same tendency as shown by his parents. It has been observed that the divorce rate is higher in those people whose parents have been divorced once than those couples whose parents are staying together or have stayed together.
- Every marriage has problems and issues. However, when the couples were interviewed after five years of marriage, they have stated that they can make the marriage better with little more effort and practice.
- Self talk is considered to be the equivalent of individual’s thoughts. Marriage counselors suggest that negative self talk is responsible for getting a divorce. This is more harmful than lack of open communications between the couple. As a result of negative self-thought, the person will develop negative perceptions about the other partner.
Staying together- The most important part of your life
When two persons in a relationship work together to form a long lasting relationship; they need to accept the challenges and complexities in the relationship. Apart from this, they have to accept the other partner’s strengths and weaknesses. If you get a chance to talk to married people, they will be able to tell you how difficult it was for them to accept the other person initially and how they started accepting things.
Marriage is the most important decision of your life and it is recommended to listen to what the other person has to say and how it will help you out in strengthening the bond between you. Understanding, being committed and looking in the same directions are the factors for a happy married life.
How you can find happiness in your marriage
You need to sit down for a while and understand what your expectations are from your marriage and the partner. You will get an answer that you want him or her to understand you completely. All of us want an unconditional love and spend our lifetime to find it.
You may notice that stayed married people are happier and healthier than those people who are either single or divorced. This is because of the reason that married people have love and support of the other person even when he or she is shattered and have nowhere to go. They can vent out in front of their partners and find out the appropriate solutions to their problems.
Divorced people, on the other hand, suffer from anxieties and tough situations and the health gets affected with this mental stress. They are not able to perform well in their professional life also. This is the reason why it is said that a happy married life can contribute to your professional life and hence make your overall life complete and more satisfied.
Marriage is for better future
Have you ever given it a thought that when you will fall ill and helpless, who will be there to take your hand and help you recover faster? You will definitely look for someone when you are ill and are in need. This is when you will realize the value of your partner. He or she will be able to stand for you in every matter.
People have given up their egos to make up for their relationships and eventually they feel proud to be associated with each other. They have high self-esteem and most of them are successful in every sphere of life. As a human being what else can you dream of? You can spend quality time with your spouse and kids and enjoy every moment of your life. After years of marriage, when you look back, all these sweet memories will flash in front of you making you happier than ever before.
When compared with divorced people, they have the memories of depressions, bad phases of life, despair and helplessness. Sometimes, they start realizing their mistakes after sometime and want to go back to their past. However, they may not be lucky enough to bring back their partners in their lives and get a chance for reunion.
Tips To Save Your Marriage
Now that you are aware of the advantages and disadvantages of an institution called marriage, the most important thing to be considered here is how you can save your marriage if it is going through a tough phase. Also, if there is not any big issue in your marriage what should be done to stay happy like this forever? First of all, you will have to understand that your life and marriage will be full of obstacles and problems and you have to fight with them with full enthusiasm.
For all those people who want to maintain happiness in their lives and want to improve their married lives, we have tried to elaborate some tips which may prove helpful to them.
You must be aware of the fact that genders do have different emotions, requirements, fidelity, perception and communications. Both have different ways of learning and understanding things because they were brought up in different environments. This is the major reason for argument between the couples. They must understand that shouting at the other person and proving your own point is going to spoil their own bond and affection.
They must start accepting each other possessing different mindset and emotions which are incomparable. This can bring happiness and romance back in your life. You must calmly listen to what other person is saying and what he or she wants rather than just jumping to the conclusions. Respect the feelings and emotions of other person and never use foul language to hurt the other person.
Communication is one of the most important factors in a relationship. Talk to your partners about your fears, feelings and your problems. He or she definitely will help you out if you are true to him or her and ask for support. Walking away and shouting at the other person will only increase differences and may leave you all alone.
It will take time to recognize the gender differences and how you can avoid the conflicts and confrontations. However, it is highly recommended to keep trying to work for improving the relationships and make it more beautiful. One person alone will not be able to do it; both the partners must contribute equally and put in extra efforts to make this work. You will realize that instead of getting divorced, little more patience and intelligence will make lots of difference in your life.
Helping each other
During marriage counseling, lots of couples complain that the other person does not understand at all and never offers a helping hand. If you want to make your marriage more meaningful, you must notice small things and help your partner in various tasks at home. Some of the scenarios are elaborated below when you can be a support to your partner:
- When the husband is in a hurry and have to leave for meetings, the wife can offer him stuff to carry to the office. Also, when he is busy in meeting the deadlines and has to work, the wife must not complain or bring household issues.
- You can ask your kids to stay away from their father so that he is able to complete his work in time; else he will feel frustrated.
- The husbands can take care of the kids when their mother is busy in the kitchen.
- The wives can take care of the laundry and pick up the shirts for him if he has forgotten to do so. He will feel delighted and will be motivated to help you in return.
- The husbands can help her in the kitchen and other household work occasionally and she will feel loved and cared for. Small things will make big differences for both the partners.
Marriage and your finances
One of the major causes of divorce and differences in marriage is money. This is because of the reasons that both of them have different ways of spending and saving money which may result into conflicts and problems. It is highly recommended that both husband and wives must discuss expenses and how to deal with their luxuries after marriage so that no one feels cheated and being in bad situations.
If you talk out your financial matters in open with each other, you will have higher chances of saving your marriage. Adjustments are part of life and both of you must be able to adjust with each other so that you are able to lead a financially stable life.
Reduce your shopping trips, if you know that your husband has habits of spending money lavishly. This way, you are not only supporting your husband but will also stabilize the financial condition of your husband.
An unstable financial status of a family will lead to more problems and sometimes end up in courtrooms. This is one of the reasons why it is required to secure the future of your family financially also.
During your courtship periods, you might have spent long hours on the phones to discuss what the other person’s interests are and how he or she spent time in office. It has been observed that after marriage, couple is just not ready to listen to the boring stories of office and the work place. They become so self-centered that they start ignoring what the other person likes or dislikes.
If the husband wants to watch a pornographic film prior to love making and if the wife does not like it; she should make it a point to convey the message to him without hurting his feelings and tell him that you do not like this practice. He will understand and both of you can find out the solution to this problem.
Likewise, if the wife is interested in charitable work and husband does not like to participate in these social gatherings, he must tell his wife about it without digressing her. Both of you must be able to respect the thoughts and opinions of each other and this is how the relationship will flourish and grow stronger. You must make efforts so that you are able to accept the likings and disliking of other person and avoid all those things that can create problems.
Moments to cherish
Many couples feel that after the birth of kids, they hardly find any time for each other. They feel that there is no time for love and romance. All the time they are occupied with the thoughts of meeting their dead ends. The financial commitments are more than ever before which leave them dull and sorrowful.
They must understand that having kids in their family is the most important thing that can happen to them. However, it can also be said that they must never go for unplanned pregnancies. Raising kids is a big responsibility and both of them must mentally and physically be prepared for giving birth and bringing up children.
In order to work it out in better way, you can take out some time for each other. You can figure out when you are able to spend quality of time in balconies and living rooms. You can do it either late nights or early mornings when you do not have kids around you. This can ignite the love between both of you and you can overcome the problems and daily life’s stress.
Complementing and praising each other
It has been observed that spouse starts blaming the other person for mistakes and their shortcomings. No one likes to listen to bad about themselves. They discover the fact that praises and complements were part of their lives when they have just started their relationship. After few years, they find out that complaints and blames have become part of their daily routine. It is easier to blame others and walk out of the door.
Praising can contribute lots in your married life. Giving credit to the other person can revive your relationship. Small compliments can make your life more exciting and worth living. Your spouse can wear a nice gown or suit to impress you. A nice compliment can bring a smile on his or her face and ensure a wellness of your marriage. If you husband is a skilled worker and hardworking employee; praise him for this and this will boost his confidence and he will feel that he has achieved something big in his life.
Genuine and soft words can do the wonders to your married life. The way a message or a complement is conveyed makes all the differences. This is the reason why it is recommended to praise your spouse in such a way that he or she feels desired and cared for.
Every woman loves to listen to how beautiful she is. You must complement your wife when she is looking beautiful. Praise her in the new gown she has just bought and you will be showered with her love, affection and care. You must maintain your individuality and respect other’s feelings.
If your wife has joined a gym and constantly working hard to lose some pounds from her body; you can understand that she is doing this to impress you. You must praise her for her efforts and compliment her how she looks after the workout and how much she has lost successfully. She is going to feel good about it. These are some small but important factors which can keep your married life happier and successful.
Have you ever tried to take your spouse as your best friend? You probably do not understand the friendship and love. We do not divorce our friends but we fall in and out of love very quickly. Friends are going to stay forever and this is not true in case of love and spouses.
We try head over heels to get rid of our spouses and get ready to fight in courtrooms. However, if you understand the fact that your spouse can be your best friend; you will not need to pay for lawyers fees. We fight with our friends and promise ourselves that we are not going to see them ever. However, the next moment, we are back again and hardly remember what has gone wrong. The same can be applicable to our spouses and hence marriage.
Forgiveness is the keyword and it must be remembered by all those people who find it hard to compromise with their life partners. Become a rock in your married life where nothing can stop and affect your wedding and the relationship.
Become friends and enjoy what you want to enjoy with your best friends such as long drives, late night outs and going on mountains with your beloved. Add spark in your life with enduring friendship with your husband or wife. This will not only strengthen your relationship but you both will be appreciated by people around you. You will also become the role models for your kids when they are in their adulthood.
For all those people, who can measure their happiness with the amount of money they have received as a result of divorce, we will like to mention that emotional and psychological losses are much more than the financial loss and there is no way you can heal these wounds. Your kids will suffer and you will not be able to provide them the support you have promised to give them when they were born. You will not do justice to their childhood and the rest of their lives.
Will they be able to forgive you for snatching one parent from them? Maybe never!!!
Marriage is a big responsibility as large as a life is. It becomes your duty to take care of your responsibilities in the right manner. Running away from problems is one of the ultimate solutions; give yourself some time and see what you will lose.
It’s Time To End This Nightmare And Make Your Dream Marriage A Reality
Many of you could learn how to save your marriages through the long and brutal path of trial and error, and eventually may reach success, but a lot more of you will become additional casualties in our growing divorce statistics.
Don’t risk the reality of being divorced, broke, lonely, watching your spouse with another person, and wishing that you had taken your marriage seriously while you had the chance.
If you could do anything to avoid the sickening feelings you have right now, and the emotional, financial, and physical pain of divorce, you would grab it with both hands wouldn’t you?
I’m throwing you a lifeline here, but you are running out of time before your spouse walks out of your life forever so you have to ACT NOW.
What’s it gonna be?
Picture this: It’s a year from today (or a lot sooner), and and your marriage is so solid and strong that all your friends are remarking how happy you and your partner seem to be. You’ve recovered from the stress you went through last year due to your marriage issues, and you are in a much happier place. You laugh together, hug and hold each other, tell each other how much you love one another, and you feel so lucky to have been given a second chance to get things right. Even better, you know that it would take wild horses to tear you and your spouse apart now.
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