The Importance of Commonality in Relationships
One of the most important ingredients of a successful relationship is that of having something in common with your partner. It may not seem so important in the very beginning when you’re still in that afterglow of lust. Everything is beautiful and wonderful with your new love at that point. However, as things start to cool down just a bit, you’ll start to see just how much having things in common with someone can mean.
Consider that you’re someone who loves mystery and scary movies. You love a great psychological suspense plot as well as supernatural ones. Your partner, on the other hand, prefers action movies where there are heists gone wrong. As long as something gets blown up and there’s plenty of fighting and bloodshed, he doesn’t care what the movie is actually about. Neither of you can stand the preference of the other one. You end going to see movies separately or watching them in different rooms of your home. That’s not really quality time, is it?
Suppose one of you loves to read and also loves to discuss the books that you’ve read. As you try to talk to your partner about the latest book you’ve just finished reading, he’s nodding at what you’re saying but, at the same time, his eyes are glazing over. You know he’s not really listening because he’s actually bored to death.
Then, there’s area of activities. He may love to go camping in the wild but your idea of camping is to stay at a rustic mountain cabin with all of the amenities. You may like to go hiking or biking but he loves an afternoon of skydiving. Clearly, there are some vast differences in this area of your relationship.
Now, while there have been rare occasions when a relationship has made it successfully even though the two people involved had absolutely nothing in common. That just doesn’t happen all that often. For the majority of couples, having at least a couple of big interests in common that they can enjoy together is pretty important. While an initial physical attraction may have brought them together, what will they do when they find they have nothing of interest to talk about with each other?
That’s why one of the first things you need to do when meeting someone new is to get into a conversation about what each of you enjoy doing. Therefore, if he’s into mountain climbing and you’re terrified of heights, chances are that you should simply find a polite way of disengaging yourself from this person because you’re obviously wasting your time as well as his.
It’s not rude to move as soon as you’ve found a polite way to do this because you’re actually doing both of you a huge favor. If you continue the conversation, the attraction may keep growing and you’ll find yourself involved in a relationship that has little to no chance of working out in the long run. Instead, keep looking around for someone with interests that match yours. You’ll be much happier in the end.
How Do You Know If You’re Compatible?
In my work there are three key areas that I focus on in order to figure out the compatibility of a couple. Most couples get together at the beginning of a relationship because it ‘feels’ so right. But are you truly compatible? You need to understand the key areas of compatibility and start working out in each area whether or not you are fundamentally compatible.
3 Questions to Relationship Compatibility
In order to understand the key areas of compatibility these are the three most important questions that I’ll ask you to answer. I’ll explain this in much greater detail in just a minute but I just want to show you the direction we’re heading in.
- Do you have the required chemistry?
- What are your basic human needs?
- Do you share similar values and goals?
Once you’ve answered those questions you’ll be in a much better position to then move on to:
- Determine whether you are compatible in three key areas
- Summarize what your qualities your ideal partner would have.
- Work out if, or what, you need to change about yourself!
If by doing the exercises it becomes obvious that you are compatible, then you only need to work on your communication and more importantly how you manage conflict. The good news is you’ll know the work is worth doing because you now understand that you are meant to be with your partner.
However, it’s also possible that you’ve managed to fall in love with someone who is totally unsuited to making you happy long term because you are incompatible. If this turns out to be the case, then it’s time to think about how to end the relationship in a way that allows you to keep your dignity intact and not do either of you any lasting damage.